Ok, so you’ve decided to get your ass into shape. You’re ready, motivated and willing to do what it takes… but before you start, you need to decide on a destination where you’ll be slaving your hours and sweating like a beast. The home seems like a good option, or is it? Let’s consider both sides of the coin.
Workout However You Want
You can be in your boxers, your wedding dress, your dress pants, your douche-like shirt from Abercrombie or in spectacular speedos. You can be clean and showered or smell like rotten cow ass. You can use bands, chains, free weights, machines or milk the benefits of your privacy by jerking the ShakeWeight. It really doesn’t matter… because when you workout from home, anything goes!
No Judgement From Others
You might trip over your own foot, drop a dumbbell, fall off the Swiss Ball, have shitty technique or make faces as if someone defiled your rectum. It doesn’t matter, because no one will be around to laugh at your retardedness… so you can workout judgement free. Sometimes, not having 3rd party eyes on your ass can be a very good thing. Other times though, it can keep you from being a tool. You decide where you fit in.
No Driving Commute
Why is it that 99% of people who drive to the gym cannot park for the fucking life of them? Is this some common theme? I can understand horrible driving post workout… you know, like when your arms are giving out after an intense session and the steering wheel feels like you’re turning the wheels on a rusty horse carriage? Yeah. Then we have the price of gas; god damn shitnickels… that’s all I have to say about that.
No Morons Attempting To Give You Advice
The other day I had some guy come up to me and suggest that I buy a special mouth guard which will “increase my power by 20%”. I told him to shoo off and that you can get the same result by biting down on a big piece of gym or investing in a $10 mouth piece. Then there are the back seat trainers… these fags are so proud of their lack-luster body that they can’t help but give you a piece of their idiotic thought patterns. “Hey bro… you shouldn’t be benching that heavy for your size, it’s bad for your eblows and shit”. I think listening to toolbags is bad for my everything… and shit.
No Hotties To Check Out
Let’s face it… if you see a solid hottie shaking her (or his) booty around the gym, you’re gonna stare. At least for a moment. You’re never NOT gonna look. And gentlemen, let’s not lie out of our asses, half the reason you hit up the gym is so you can presumably pick up a hottie if you had the chance. Still, even if you don’t manage to ravish her with your seductive prowess, a nice round ass and a sweaty upper body complimented by a sports bra just makes your day, does it not? I thought so. It’s one of the things I miss when I’m working out at home – which is why my wall is now covered with “motivational” posters.
Cellphone, home phone, your dog, your cat, your bitch… er, I mean your significant other, kids, TV, internet and a whole bunch of other nonsense that’s within a 10 foot reach can have a huge impact on the efficiency of your workouts. Shit I know I can’t help myself… I’ll pump out a serious set and the computer is right there. Or maybe I’ll get a Tweet or an email and next thing you know, 90 second rest has turned into 190seconds. God damn it!
Equipment Choice Depends On Your Cash Flow
Let’s not kid ourselves; if you want to workout from home, you’re going to have to invest in equipment. Sure, bodyweight exercises are great but once you can throw around your own weight like a pair of coconuts, it’s time to bring on the big guns. And if you can’t afford it, then you’re almost shit outta luck. I say almost because bags of potatoes can get REALLY heavy. Overhead bag press. Do it!
The Kitchen. It’s Like, Right There!
*lift* *lift* *lift* “Hmm… left over pizza?” *lift* *lift*…
10 minutes later…
*nom* *nom* *nom* “Mmmm… left over pizza!” *nom* *nom* *nom*
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