The Carbs You Eat Could Suck The Life Outa You

By: October 16, 2009 25 Comments

Eating carbs and feeling like shit… sounds pretty counter productive right? I mean, we’ve been lead to believe that carbs are fuel and should therefore make you “go” after their consumption. And It doesn’t matter if they are high-gi carbs such as white flour where you get a boost then crash or if you take in low-gi carbs such as brown rice and have a smooth stream of energy.

But, this ain’t always the case. For some of you, what I said above will ring true. You will get a quick boost after eating some white bread  and you will have a nice smooth stream of energy after eating brown rice. But for others? It might be the complete opposite; you will feel like shit after eating some white bread but feel awesome after having some legumes. Why is this?

Well princess, that’s just the way your body handles the different types of carbohydrates, and I’m not even talking about high-gi or low-gi, I’m talking about old vs new-age. Let’s dive in a little deeper. See before, I was all about the high-gi and low-gi carbs, and anything else didn’t really matter. Now, I’m all about the old vs new-age carbs, along with portioning techniques to maximize my energy. I do what my body responds to best.

Some of you may know what old age carbs are all about. It’s known as the Paleo diet… or the “caveman diet”. Now wait, if you think this is another “follow the Paleo lifestyle” article, slap yourself across the face, Cuz it ain’t. There are hundreds of douches that blindly follow the Paleo diet when they could be making SERIOUS progress and feeling EVEN BETTER if they took the “Caveman carbs vs. New-Age carbs test”.


Before we get to this test, let me explain what the Paleo diet is. If you already know what it’s all about, skip this paragraph. The Paleo diet is… actually fuck it, here’s the description taken from, it explains it pretty well: “The Paleo Diet is a way of eating in the modern age that best mimics diets of our hunter-gatherer ancestors – combinations of lean meats, seafood, vegetables, fruits, and nuts. By eating the foods that we are genetically adapted to eat, followers of the Paleo Diet are naturally lean, have acne-free skin, improved athletic performance…” Blah Blah Blah. Remember that not everyone will experience these benefits so I had to cut off their overly marketing-like description. The best way to know if something is considered part of the Paleo diet or not is to ask yourself “If I was a caveman millions of years ago and lacked any type of farming and/or cooking skills, what would I eat?”.

Now, what the hell are “New-Age Carbs?” Well that’s any type of food that man kind has been consuming since they learnt how to farm and cook. This includes things like wheat, potatoes, rice etc. I had someone tell me that potatoes should be considered “caveman carbs” since it was a vegetable. Was this moron aware that potatoes grow in the ground and cannot be consumed without cooking? In fact it was introduced to Europe around the 1500’s… I don’t know about you but that’s not during the caveman era.

So, About This Test: During one of of your major meals, consume ONLY New-Age carbohydrates and then 15-20 mins after, rate your energy on a scale of 1-10 (if you fell asleep it’s a 0). Then the next day, during the same meal, consume only cave-man carbs such as fruits, leafy vegetables etc. and rate your energy on a scale of 1-10. Avoid eating meat during your testing for more accurate results.


  • If your score on the first day was higher than on the second day, then you should feel slightly relieved since your body is optimized to digest all the foods that surround us today such as pasta, rice, white bread, oats, flour (pancakes!) etc.
  • If your score was higher on the second day, then sorry, but a Paleo style diet would be a much better option for you if you like to feel energetic. New-Age carbs don’t have to be avoided completely, but they should not make up the majority of the foods you eat… meat and vegetables should.
  • If both your scores were very similar (off by +/- 1) then congratulations you lucky fucker. You’re spearheading our species and your body has adapted to properly digesting and taking advantage of all the carbohydrate types. Wana have my babies?

Now, I don’t know the exact statistics on the test results, but I will say this: More of the world’s population is optimized for a caveman eating lifestyle than the new-age lifestyle. Our species just hasn’t had time to adapt to the speed of our mass-production techniques. This is the reason so many douchecocks have been raving about Paleo like it’s the end-all be all.


Why Some People Have Evolved While Others Haven’t

I’m going to give a very brief and general explanation as to why this weird phenomenon exists. It could almost be considered a theory but after putting people through the above-mentioned test over and over, I’ve come to realize that patterns don’t lie.

If your genes were passed down from ancestors that were heavy meat eaters then the new-age carbs will make you feel like shit. This is because your ancestors were probably living in a habitat with lots of animals around but not enough edible vegetation to sustain a tribe. It’s common sense to spend the least amount of energy for the biggest return. Think about it… walk hundreds of miles and use massive man power to harvest some fucking berries or take a 5 man team with spears and kill a bull that will feed all of you for the next 4 days? Hmm…

On the other hand, if your ancestors were living in a part of the world where meat was scarce, they had to take risks and go around finding fruits and vegetables that they could easily pick/pluck to survive… and eventually as the demand for food grew, they figured out farming techniques and expanded their food source to underground shit such as potatoes. People from this, err… “gene pool” will feel alive when they eat something like white bread or oats. Not an entirely bad spot to be in eh?

So Where Does FJ Fit In?

*sigh*… hate to admit it but bread just ain’t for me. I want to take a nap after eating pasta or some shit which is why I eat as many vegetables and fruits as possible, properly combined with meat of course. So wait, why was I bashing the Paleo lovers if I have to follow the caveman lifestyle myself?

Because they think it’s the ONLY way. Their tunnel vision of “Paleo or nothing” really pisses me off because its fucking idiotic. Yes, a majority of the population is better off eating the cave-man lifestyle but that doesn’t mean you go around telling everyone it’s the only way. It isn’t. Millions of others can eat tasty, fresh baked bread right in front of their faces and have more energy they ever could. You need to know what works with whom. Stop the ignorant fanboy-ism and start doing what gives you results. You’ll only come out feeling like the fucking man! (or woman).

- FitJerk


Discuss: Do you follow the Paleo (caveman) style of eating or can you eat baguettes and jump off walls? Post your energetic thoughts below.

About the Author:

Turns fat asses into good looking bad asses. Also a National deadlift record holder and the undisputed flip-cup champion. If you want to train under him, Click Here to fill out an application, and he just may consider working with you.

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  1. cher says:

    being diabetic, caveman carbs are very few and far between for me. my husband’s family has a history of diabetes as well, and one night i went over for dinner, and they served what they call “ham pot pie” which is ham in a broth with these chunks of soft dough/dumpling like things, and the “sides” were mashed potatoes, stuffing balls and bread. I kid you not! I spoke up, and was like… “do you have any green beans or brocolli, or something i could heat up?” i mean, i didn’t want to be rude, but my GAWD! your gram just died from all her complications from diabetes, my hubby’s dad has it, my hubby is obese, and THIS is what you serve? either you’re gonna pay for my insulin or you want me to sleep til next tuesday.

    my boss gets groggy in the morning… well, what did you have for breakfast? one of those big ass bagels you show in the pic up there. well duh!! my buddy years back visited from sweden, and when he went down for his “continental breakfast” at the hotel, they had danishes and donuts, and he was like… “umm.. where’s there breakfast? this is DESSERT!!”

    it’s sad how things like this are seen as an option for a meal instead of an occasional indulgence. i treat them like they are desserts, and besides my weakness of cheesecake (hush.. lol) i’m not into having dessert for breakfast, lunch and dinner. it’s absurd!!

    great post FJ! people just need to start reteaching and retraining themselves with the facts… NOT the fads!

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      “…ham pot pie, which is ham in a broth with these chunks of soft dough/dumpling like things, and the “sides” were mashed potatoes, stuffing balls and bread..”

      >>I think I just threw up. Carbohydrate overload. I’d rather get shot by horse tranquilizer than eat a meal like that, at least I’d recover sooner. It probably tastes fucking awesome though.

      And you know I’m all about them facts. Btw I want to hear more of your “bitch rants”.

  2. tra says:

    i dunno. sometimes i get the carb coma. but lately i feel like after i eat fruit before a work out plus some nuts/nut butter, i perform better. but then again, sometimes i do just fine with cereal. i do watch my carb consumption tho. still trying to figure out the best way of eating my bod likes. although i’m decreasing amounts of processed food in my diet (they’re pretty rare.)

    my friend is pushin me to go paleo, he’s a CF dude.
    nice post, tho.

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      Girl you… god damn I don’t even think you even FIT on this scale. The combinations you eat… lol are beyond me. Still, you haven’t ballooned since you kick some one-handed pushup ass so you keep doing your crazy shit. Keeps me entertained. And CrossFit? Heh… more like CultFit. It’s just a newer name wrapped around decades old gymnastics training since the dude that started it WAS a gymnastics coach. Marketing… how I love thee.

  3. Debbie Ferm says:

    I know what you are saying is true FJ, but I would rather be on the ALL carb diet than the no carb diet!

    I was a work out junkie for years and years, but now I mostly walk my dogs and do yoga – certainly don\’t look as good though:)

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      Remember, it doesn’t have to be black and white. The Paleo lifestyle still has a crap load of options if you love your carbs. I just do what my body responds to cuz… wanting to nap when someone is talking is only funny so many times. Hah.

  4. Loved this post FJ! Great stuff. AND, I do not like the people that say their way or the highway! You are so right about how different people react differently to the same foods!

    I actually do a bit of both of these diets. I am not a pasta or white bread/rice person but I do like my sweet potatoes & I love my healthy breads which are 100% whole grains or the sprouted breads. I tend to mix it all up so I might have to try your test just to see since I do not steer one way or the other.

    Thx for all the great info!

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      If feel great and notice no dip in energy while eating this mixture of carbs, then you might be one of the lucky ones. That’s my prediction. Still, do up the test and let me know what you come out with.

  5. tra says:

    HAHAH is that a compliment? i\’m SO flattered!

    yeah i do kick ass, don\’t i? ; )

    hahah funny about crossfit/cultfit..

    KNOCK ME OVER?! as if you could PSH. and i was bored, so why not jump onto my bathroom counter?!
    i don\’t really have a full length mirror and NO ONE takes pictures on their counter. so hah.
    not like YOU put pictures of yourself on your site.
    re: AIDS..are you sure? hHAHAHA

  6. Now I know why I feel sluggish. Its the carb and my wife’s been telling me not to eat that mountain of rice. She’s wise :)

  7. Yum Yucky says:

    I used to love bread. When I was a kid, I’d mix it with my spit and roll into a ball to eat like an apple. It was great, especially since my hands were mostly dirty. I think it added flavor.

    Anyways, I’m not anti-carb, but I definitely notice a difference. I don’ t like that bloated, heavy, swollen effect it gives me. I eat bread like 2 or 3 times a week (maybe).

    And I don’t use a bun with my turkey burger anymore.

  8. FJ, I don’t care what your Mom says, you are the sh–, when it comes to fitness and diet information. I publicly thank Darren Rowse for introducing me to you. Great article…practical, easy to digest (see what I did there) information. Bravo.

  9. - Fit Jerk - says:

    A bread ball… nice! I used to use bread in grade 8 along with a straw, it made awesome spit-balls. I could snipe the lil fucker across the room in science and no one could catch the remains. White room, white bread… perfect!

  10. - Fit Jerk - says:

    @ Dipankar.

    Hah, congrats… welcome to the world of cavemen. I hope your marriage is civilized though. Clubbing women over the head is frowned upon these days.

  11. ish says:

    yeah! those diet systems will not benefit everybody because we have different lifestyles, eating habits, etc… I love to eat, and know what I eat, I think that will do…

  12. Mike says:

    I used to suffer from ‘carb coma’, then found out I was diabetic. Since then I have cut my carb consumption massively – no bread or pastry for me *ever* again. It’s had a big effect on my health (positive), and I don’t get the tiredness I used to after eating sandwiches. I can actually get some work done in the afternoon, now!

  13. - Fit Jerk - says:


    Yea for those who aren’t able… sandwiches are the worst fucking combination ever. Specially when white bread is used along with red meat. You’ll be digesting that wild mixture for a while. Grab a pillow.

    Unfortunate to hear about your diabetes dude, but at least you don’t feel like passing out now.

  14. Travis says:

    Good article, but I\’m honestly not sure where I stand at all in the \"old vs new age\" carb thing. I\’m a vegetarian, and I consume a lot of \"raw\" foods, so I guess that puts me more on the Paleo side of the fence here, but I still feel great after eating some whole-grain pasta or rice…

    Whatever it is it must be working though… I\’m always energized and I manage to stay in great shape!

  15. Alex says:

    Dude this opened up a lot of information. I found out that beans, stuff that has to be cooked is bad for you. It contains lectins that are toxic. Even if you cook them they still have some toxins.

  16. Alex says:

    Do you have an option to print the article?

  17. Richard says:

    Personally I’ve never felt better after getting rid of the refined carbohydrates in favor of natural carbohydrates like fruits and vegetables. I’m not a vegetarian though. Meat is too awesome to go vegetarian.

  18. the Vegetarian Barbarian says:

    tell you what.. I was bodybuilding for years. never went pro cuz Im not interested in stickin myself with foreign chemicals which I don’t know whats in them… I ate more then my share of meat. several times a day! talk about low on energy? talk about high on acidic state? Joint pain!!?? Many days I found it very difficult to get out of bed! I lived with pain every day, every night for years! got to the point where I had to start the day with some advils or other pain drugs to get me going again.
    “why” is a LONG story but just over 7 years ago now, I quit meat – cold turkey you might say. I recall the day, I had a tin of tuna already open in front if me ready to make my snack between breakfast and lunch…. my dog was beside me looking at me longingly for the fish… I scooped out the whole tin of tuna for the dog and never ate meat since!
    The dog died. Im still here. I know its not to do with the fish.. I’m just sayin.
    but today at 46, I can tell you that I have no more pain. No more drugs to get me started in the am. My weigh has been about the same. I was up to 205-210 at my peak now I’m about 200 give or take couple of pounds and 6.3′ I can still walk into the gym and push 4 plates if necessary but I’m not working out that much either. I have not worked out steady in years in fact.
    some times I get busy with other things and don’t do any training for weeks, months, but then I go through stages where I do calisthenics workouts and I have a full gym in my basement so if I feel like using the weights, I do that too.
    but at 46, I have taken up a new sport.. skateboarding! I found I had to drive my son everywhere to skate and he was too young to leave there, so I had to sit and watch. So about a year ago, I picked up an old board I had kept since the 70’s and hopped on it. it was really slow and hard to push. I changed the bearings, still slow, so now I have a new pro board and getting right into it.
    I would never have been able to do this years ago due to the pain. Now its an adrenalin rush droppin in off the top of a hill!
    I also did MMA for several years after being on vegetarian diet. (many more years prior to that too) if anything, the diet gives me more energy! I also do this on about 4hrs sleep average! I go to bed at 11-12pm, up at 0300, usually till 0600, sleep till 0700, up for the day. thats just my algorithm. been like that for years.
    make a few tests for yourself. first of all, try “fasting” go a day or two or more with nothing. friends go 10 days, 20 days, one woman I know went a month on only water!
    once you realize that you will not die if you miss lunch, or a day of eating for that matter, then you start to realize how much we generally overeat! We really don’t need the amount of carbs we think we do.
    look at lions. they eat once and they are good for days. most of the time they sit around. as humans in today society, most of the time we sit around… we sit at work, we sit on the couch, we sit in the car or subway on the WAY to work, where we SIT again… OR we are sleeping.. even at the gym most of the equipment they try to sell us on requires SITTING!!!???
    BUT IRONICALLY, UNLIKE the LION, we are CONSTANTLY EATING! breakfast, snacks, lunch, snacks, more snacks supper, before bed snacks! and our portions sizes…. you know the “all you can eat buffet? do you ever see skinny people there? no usually fat people cuz htey know they can keep going back for more! eating eating eating! we don’t even prepare food hardly! just drive up and get it handed to us while we are seated. While you are reading this article… sitting right?
    so facts are 1) we eat way too much.
    2) we really don’t need as much protein (or carbs) as we think.
    3) eating meat was “taught to us” its not natural.
    put a baby in a room, that hasn’t been taught any different, with a rabbit and a apple. chances are the baby will want to play with the rabbit and try to eat the apple (Im talking about a human baby ok?) it it tried to eat the rabbit, call the priest!!!
    somewhere along the line, someone taught us to eat meat. we clearly don’t need it and likely prefer better without it. Im living proof. Im not dead yet and fairing pretty well Id say.
    professional bodybuilder Bill Pearl had all this figured out in teh 60s and 70s! he never ate meat – dairy yes, like cheese and eggs but no fish no other meats and he won pretty much every major bodybuilding competition there was! google him. hes in his 80s now still training and training others.
    Herschel Walker is 50 now. hes the Heisman trophy winner from teh 80s. he eats ONE a day. — a vegetarian meal, gets up 0500, does 1500 push ups and 2000 situps and jogs 8 miles ad day. hes recently taken up MMA!
    Irop Mike Tyson gave it up 3 yeas ago now.
    President Clinton dropped it after having a near death experience with heart disease.
    we are simply taught these thigs by large corporations that want you to go to mcdonalds! do you think they spend millions of advertising for the good of your health? No! its because of MONEY! nothing else!
    well I think Ive used up my time here – remember eating meat is a choice – not a necessity.
    best, Phil

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