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First of all… the whole term “lose weight” is false. Even when people really really mean it, no one actually wants to lose “weight”. They want to lose the fat. Unattractive, jiggly, mushy, gross fat. Muscle is advantageous in almost every way, which is why you never hear most (intelligent) people say “i want to lose quality mass”.
Now that we’ve made that distinction very clear, let me show you a new, revolutionary and completely retarded way of “losing weight”. I mean, late night infomercials have come up with some real doozies over the past, but this new method is taking shit to a whole new level.
It’s called SlimBand™, and its absolutely outrageous.
So what’s SlimBand™? The site is a little dodgy on the details so I’ll sum it up for you: It’s known as Laparoscopic Band Surgery. What they do is surgically implant a little band which strangles the upper most region of your stomach (since that’s where the “feel full” signal is located). Then, they periodically keep tightening it… I assume so that it makes you “feel full” more often with less food. But that’s not all, you get a 4 year after care program where nutritionists help you eat a healthy diet and help you get active.
Oh and it gets better, here’s an excrept from the site: “Immediately following your surgery, with the post-op menu guidelines, you may find that you lose weight fairly quickly. After the healing period, when you return to your normal diet, you should lose between one to two pounds per week…”
Really Slimband? 1-2 pounds/week is what you’re suggesting people will lose after they undergo your insanely expensive surgical weight loss procedure? Listen up you loonballs, I’ve helped people drop 3-4 lbs in one week without surgically implanting a restrictive belt around their fucking waist with E-Training. Oh yeah, and for a fraction of the cost!
Let’s dig in even further…
“It’s important that the Slimband™ be properly adjusted, and that you follow our recommendations so you can lose those excess pounds and achieve your goal weight. Ultimately, the amount of weight you lose depends on you, keep in mind that the Slimband™ is a tool. If you maintain healthy food choices, start becoming more physically active, and have your Slimband™ routinely adjusted, you should not gain any weight back, even a few years after surgery…”
Note that statement in bold. I’ll regurgitate it, just to drive a point home: Slimband by itself won’t help much with weight loss, you still need to watch what you eat. Funny, because their marketing message speaks a completely different language. Take a look at one of their ads below, they are blasting these out everywhere on the Google network:
Now honestly, what the fuck is a desperately overweight person supposed to think when they see this ad? It’s sending across a message that says “you can achieve weight loss and well being without paying any attention and/or effort to your eating habits”. Or am I just out of my mind?
But wait a minute, didn’t they just say that you still need to maintain healthy food choices and stay active? Hmm… make up your damn mind Slimband. Alright, now let’s look at their final statement:
“…When using the Slimband™ properly, weight loss is a long-term and sustainable result.”
You know what else is sustainable? A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE that doesn’t revolve around a belt implanted and tied around your stomach. What really screws with my head is their flawed logic. See, if people did maintain healthy food choices in the past, then obesity wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. So what makes them think that their patients will pick up these new food habits and guidelines after having the surgical procedure done? A bad habit is a bad habit… change that and you can change your life.
On top of all this bullshit, I gotta say that their claims for weight loss results aren’t any better than the popular diet programs. Why would you pay 100x the amount? In the past, I wasn’t aware of the costs involved with this outrageous procedure since… surprise surprise, Slimband’s website didn’t want to tell you.
“It Costs How Much?!”
Well after further research I now have a fairly accurate number. You ready to hear this? You might want to sit down. The cost of having a band around your stomach and losing approximately 2 measly pounds a week is… *drum roll* $2,900 down + $389/month!
Nope that’s not a typo. This procedure will cost you the down payment of a brand new car and a monthly payment that could cover a proper gym membership, a trainer, all the groceries you could need for the month and maybe some left over cash for a movie. And that’s not even the worst part… no, the worst part is that they won’t tell you how many months you need to keep paying those $389. My guess would be for a minimum of 12 months. This brings the total cost to $4668!
Update: I’ve finally found the number of months a person would need to keep paying… and upon reading what I saw, I almost fainted. It’s 48 months… that’s four years! This brings your total to $21,572. Yeah that’s right, over twenty-fucking-grand. No one in their right mind should pay this much money to achieve a result that is so brain-dead simple.
Home Made SlimmingBand Solution
Alright, time to have some fun. Let’s say that for some preposterous reason, you want to consider the SlimBand™ because you can’t seem to apply the advice on this blog. What to do? Well I have a solution for you… use your own “slimming” belt! Grab a simple, extra long $10 belt from Wal-Mart and then tie it around your gut. Not so tightly that you can’t breathe, but tight enough to cause some tension and slight discomfort. Keep this on you 8 hours a day. Ta-Da! A “Slimband” without the surgery.
After thinking about it for a while, I realized that my insanely sarcastic idea might actually be effective to some degree. Ronnie Coleman recently used this exact method, (though with a proper weight belt). He tied it around his waist and actively squeezed his abdominals throughout all of his workouts… even if he didn’t need the belt. Since bodybuilders train 2x a day (or in a long single session) it’s fair to say that he had the belt on tight for a few hours at a time.
On top of that, the fact that he actively squeezed his abdominals was a given that some type of result would come out of it. And what do you know… he had nothing but great things to say about this little method. And it makes sense, when you workout a muscle and/or constantly keep it contracted, it just becomes “tighter”… and feels more “dense”. Have you ever stopped working out for like a week and feel as if your muscles have kind of lost their “tone”? Well it’s not that you lost muscle mass… just the tightness is gone. Speaking in layman’s terms here.
Try and out and see what happens… just please, stay away from a crazy surgical procedures. If you are hell bent on surgery, then why not go all the way and just do lipo? Makes sense to me.
After doing a bit more hunting around, I found out exactly how this band works and the surgical procedure that you must go through. Check out THIS VIDEO
Still doesn’t change my opinion. How about you?
This entire article is merely my opinion as “FitJerk” and exercises my god-given right to free speech. I am in no way affiliated, related to or work for SlimBand™, nor do I have any agenda towards them. All images belong to their respective owners that hold the copyright. Greed infested lawyers… don’t bother trying to fuck with me. Thank you.
Also, be sure to check out the brand new Social Fitness Site called Fitmarker!
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