How To Drink Anything, Eat Whatever And Smoke Your Way To A Sexy Body

By: September 30, 2010 19 Comments

I think a common misconception that people have of me, or any other fitness trainer/consultant is that they think we live these grand ass lives, meticulously structured to the point where perfection itself isn’t quite good enough.

A life where our fridges are filled with salads and organic meats, our wallets are organized by $100 bills and packets of protein powder and our social lives consist of going camping at the gym or hitting up exclusive, classy social gatherings where the bartender gives us a wink and slips us a lime n’ tonic, because hey… we don’t want alcohol ruining this perfect piece of ass we worked so hard to get, now do we?

And you know what? It’s all f**king nonsense.

I’m telling you now, if you come across a “fitness guru” or whatever, that claims that he/she lives this “perfect life”… RUN! Run far. Do some high intensity sprints in the opposite direction because they are either…

a) lying out of their probably huge ass


b) really boring to be around.

Bad Can Sometimes Be Good

If you’re a regular reader of mine, then you probably know that I’m no saint. I don’t really pray, I can be a selfish prick at times and usually do what I want, when I want. But on the flip side I have a passion for changing lives through whopping ass. Hooray for me.

But I’m here to tackle a specific point, because I constantly receive questions such as,

“Is it bad that I had one TV dinner today?”

“You probably think it’s dumb but I had a puff of a cigar the other day, will it decrease my metabolic rate?”

“How many sets do i have to do to undo the BigMac I ate the other day?”

“I wish I could have a perfect diet such as yours…”

Blah Blah Blah.

Look, I’m flattered but all that groupie love is all fantasy. Today, I’m going to let you in on my bad said. Like badder than bad side. I’ll be revealing things that you didn’t think I’d consider. The greater the shock you receive, the greater the fantasy you were living in. But all of it has a point, so bare with me and don’t do something retarded like stop reading half way and take my words way out of context. Let’s start with…

Eating Clean, Or Something Like It

100% clean eating? There’s no such thing. And if there is, it’s boring as hell. I have many E-Training clients that are on a 90% clean eating program but most of the time I usually let them eat whatever they want, as long as it fits within certain guidelines. There are times where I’ll email them and be like, “Ok man, the weekend is upon us, time to have some fun. Here are the 3 rules… as long as you don’t break them, go nuts!”.

The response I usually get is “Really? Are you sure I won’t un-do the work?”. Their reactions are understandable. The media has overhyped and misinformed the shit out of everyone, so it’s natural to think that only a perfect life will give you perfect results. There is no such thing as a perfect life nor a perfect body. There is just what you are happy with.

MeatLoversLgSo back to eating for real. I’m a big eater and I do it all. From junk food to chips and ice cream and all that good stuff. Everyone has a preferred nasty food item that they love to stuff through their faces. Martin Berkhan from LeanGains demolishes cheesecakes like it’s nobody’s business. JC from JCDFitness loves sugary cereals such as Lucky Charms or whatever else you can find in a bright box. He probably likes them all actually, I can’t even begin to name specifics.

Myself? I just love me a grimy meat lover’s pizza glistening with animal fat and topped with the spiciest peppers you can find. In the gym, my partner in crime, Steven, eats Cadbury mini eggs for breakfast, sushi and a Monster energy for lunch, then has Miso soup with some other nonsense, and to top it off… he’s fucking vegetarian! And yet still, after all that ridiculousness (at which I shake my head at) he can still out deadlift most of the guys that roll through the gym, pound for pound. Oh, and between all of us, there is another common denominator besides indulging in our nasty foods… all of our bodies are lean and mean. Coincidence? I think not.


scotchThen we have ethanol… the delicious substance that has been lowering sexual standards in the favor of men for thousands of years. I’ve already written about whether or not you should mix beer with fitness and in my book I got into some advanced tactics on how to handle your side love of alcoholism and holiday feasts.

But the general rule is that I take into account the alcohol I’ll be consuming and offset it against the calories during the day (more on that below).

The fact remains that I do party every so often and do have a few beers a week. Lately I’ve been expanding my horizons and been indulging in fine glasses of scotch. Well ok, I don’t think a $20 bottle is exactly “fine” but my taste buds are starting to come around. Me likey.

Then I got this crazy app for my phone which has like 200 of the most popular drink recipes. Did you know that an Abortion is 1oz Vodka and a dash of Tabasco Sauce? I know. Awesome. And I’ve got more for you to think about…

Bend Me Over: Fill glass 2/3 with OJ. Add 1 part Vodka, 1 part Amaretto and 1 part Sour Puss.

Buttery Nipple: 1/2 shot Bailey’s, 1/2 shot Butterscotch Schnapps

Satan’s Piss: 1.5oz Bacardi 151, 3 dashes of Tabasco Sauce

Wet Dream: 1 part Southern Comfort, Pineapple Juice, 7UP, 1 part Malibu, splash of Cranberry Juice

Electric Lemonade: 2oz Vodka, 1oz Blue Curacao, Fresh Orange (slice or juice… doesn’t say)


Now were getting into tricky territory. The night and day decision most come to is that smoking = bad! Actually that’s probably true, I don’t think I know of any type of smoking that’s particularly GOOD for a regular person… besides a legit medicinal card for someone who needs smoke some Mary J. As per doctor orders, of course.

But you have one life to live, and it’s up to you to consider the cost to benefit ratio of the shit you do. For example, smoking cigarettes? Completely stupid. It provides no real pleasure and people who think they look “cool” with a white stick in their hands need to realize that they actually resemble a douchebag that has been primed with a thin layer of faggot. Cost to benefit? It doesn’t exist. Ingredients such as tar will f**k you up while nicotine will get you hooked, sooner or later. So you might as well burn money.

But, tobacco by itself (flavored and filtered) is something I smoke on occasion. Also known as hitting up a hookah bar. I can probably count the number of times I’ve been to a hookah bar using the fingers on my two hands. It’s really not that much. But the cost to benefit ratio is there. It’s a kick ass social experience and the smoky watermelon flavor is absolutely delicious. Then there is always the fact that you can buy an Arabian belly dance for the entire group, and that never ends badly. For those who’ve never been to a hookah bar, just know that I’m not talking about some nasty stripper giving you lap dances. It’s a no-touch policy and the women are very classy.

weed1 And what about the green stuff? I figured I’d be talking about it eventually, so here goes: As long as you know it’s not laced with garbage and you don’t have an unusual reaction to it (some get paranoid) you’re probably ok.

I know everyone from doctors to athletes who get high on occasion and are perfectly content and normal people. Actually they’re pretty damn cool to be honest. It’s not as addictive as they say… that’s pure propaganda nonsense. In fact, it is my belief that its less harmful than drinking. However, it “is” currently illegal or whatever so I can’t say I condone its use. I don’t smoke it either. I just uh, sometimes end up in a room filled with people who provide the second hand smoke and I can’t help but inhale. Deeply. Yeah. And it makes you really hungry… which is kind of nice. It came in handy when I wanted to put some mass on my chesticles. But if you’re trying to get lean, I guess you can see how that would be bad.

Oh and there was also a study which revealed that casual puffing of Mary J does not lead to lung damage. In the end, the choice is always yours.

The Flipside Of The Bad Side

So how do I (and the others I’ve mentioned) do it? I mean, looking at the info above, you’re probably thinking, “This isn’t something a picture perfect trainer should be doing in his spare time.”

And that’s the god damn problem… a trainer isn’t perfect. I’m a jerk, not a perfect jerk and nor do I want to be. Perfectionism is a fools fantasy. But I am damn good at what I do, and that’s because of something called experience and past accomplishments.

I wasn’t always fit, it took a shit load of diligence and work to get to where I’m at… but now that I’m where I want to be, maintaining past momentum is so horrendously easy that if I told you, you wouldn’t believe it. As long as you’re comparing it to the effort it took me in the beginning. I still put in work mind you, because I like pushing my physical boundaries. Most of my eating and workout habits are great. But in comparison, all this drinking, occasional smoking and eating nasty pizzas look like a drop in the bucket – they don’t affect a damn thing.

There is a reason I’m a hard ass and don’t let new, out of shape clients drink much (if at all), eat fast food and indulge in naughty desserts. And there is a reason that long time clients get the weekend off to do whatever the hell they want (almost). It’s the famous 80/20 rule, and it applies to pretty much everything in life… including fitness. 80 percent of your results come from 20 percent of the work you put in. But the question is, are you willing to put in that 20% so that 3 months, 6 months or maybe a year down the road you can enjoy your 80? Think about it.

A Method To Enjoy The Madness

So, here’s how you can drink socially without suffering major weight gaining consequences:  First of all figure out your carbohydrate allowance for the day. If you don’t know what it is, take your bodyweight in lbs and multiply it by 1.25. Then multiply that number by 4 – this is how many calories you can allot to drinking.

(Note: This is a very general rule. If you’re looking for a specific outcome such as losing weight, or burning fat while building muscle then you really need an intelligent plan which is designed to your specific needs. However, the method listed here can still be applied to such a plan.)

As an example, if you weigh 180lbs, then your daily carb intake will be 225 grams, which works out to 900 calories.

Next, pick your poison of choice – I recommend the hard stuff which will allow you to get drunk faster. Sugary drinks take up too many precious calories and eat into your allowance quickly. So as an example, lets say you picked spiced rum.

A shot of spiced rum has about 70 calories, which means you are allowed 12-13 shots. Enough to get even the hardest drinking motherfucker on their ass.

But on the other hand, if you picked a drink such as the screwdriver (around 200 calories), then you can only have about 4.5 drinks. Maybe enough for a buzz if you’re a light weight.

See how that works? You take your carb allowance and allot it to drinking at night. So that begs the question…

What Should You Eat During The Day?

Duh… meat. Beef patties, baked chicken wings, skinless chicken breast, steaks etc. are all great. Meat not only keeps you feeling fuller for longer, but is f**king delicious.

Eat animal, get wasted, and stay sexy. What more could you possibly want?


About the Author:

Turns fat asses into good looking bad asses. Also a National deadlift record holder and the undisputed flip-cup champion. If you want to train under him, Click Here to fill out an application, and he just may consider working with you.

Comments (19)

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  1. Being a gym owner, personal trainer and fitness blogger, I really enjoyed reading this post. You can’t be perfect 100% of the time and live a normal enjoyable life. All my clients think I never go off my diet or skip a workout. But the reality is, I like to have fun and enjoy my life.

    I love the summertime and eat barbeque and drink beers with my family and friends. I always seem to feel the most out of shape at the end of the summer. But it actually motivates me to set some new goals for the fall season and tighten up my diet and training.

    Sometimes you have to get a little out of shape to realize how in shape you really are. You can lose perspective if you try to eat and train perfectly 100% of the time. I look at the year as a whole. If I eat and train well most of the time it will all average out.

    Best – Mike

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      Ah yes, the law of averages totally works in people’s favor. Unless of course you are above average. I like that out of shape to realize you’re in shape line Mike. Oddly makes sense to me. But then again, I’m not normal. Thanks for sharing.

  2. No point living life if you take all the fun out of it. You guys are all proof that you can get lean without being 100% dedicated to diet and exercise. I’ve always said that I won’t let my fitness philosophy interfere with my life and I’ve managed to get pretty good results despite some pretty bad weekend eating habits.

  3. I hear you on some of this… for those of us that work our butts off & eat clean a majority of the time, treats are a must & mine is m cookies – 2 or may be 3 depending – on the weekend. I work out super hard so I can do this. We all choose what is right for us.

    Me, smoking, even minimum.. well, I saw what it did to some relatives so…. up to whoever does it but not even going to be in my book in any form….

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      Jody Jodster! I hear you on them cookies girl. And it depends on WHAT you’re smoking. Still, what you do works. By the way… change that name to “Sexy At 52″ It’s got much more appeal. You might end up on like, Ellen or some shit.

  4. Ryanell says:

    What can i say but your post being bold but unfortunately still very true. I won’t advice my clients against certain food products. Cheat days are expected but it all should blend totally well with the program you guide’em on with.
    As much as i like to agree with you, i still advice against smoking though but that’s just me.

    • - Fit Jerk - says:

      Yeah i’d never tell anyone to smoke… and I can do that because they’re not at the same level as me. But I certainly won’t tell a person who is in AS good of a shape as me to lay off the hookah. That’s being contradictory yo

  5. luis says:

    nice article, I agree with you in every aspect, there is only one life so enjoy it as much as you can being responsible

  6. Drinking and exercise for sure don’t mix. How can anyone train hung over?


  7. Very funny ending to an excellent article. Work hard. Play hard. Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.

  8. Fanny says:

    Extremely helpful atricle, please write more.

  9. This post made me SO HAPPY. I work at one of the top gyms in NYC with some of the smartest and most dedicated trainers I’ve ever met, and it’s important to me that I always relate to my clients as a “real” person with a lean fit body, vs a machine they can never attain. I think it’s so important that people realize we’re allowed to eat and behave the way we do because we’re balancing it with habits they can’t even imagine. “Everything in moderation… including moderation.” ;-)

  10. g3nevi3ve says:

    awesome article, as always. just fyi – i worked in tobacco research (smoking cessation, to be exact) and we used to do carbon monoxide testing on our participants to gauge the approximate amount of cigarettes they were smoking that day.

    i’d have a participant come in who’d have smoked 4 hand-rolled joints (MMJ) and blow maybe 4 ppm (parts per million) of expelled carbon monoxide. That’s about the same as a second hand smoker.

    a participant who just smoked a couple cigarettes could blow as high as 8 ppm – the amount equal to the ambient air next to a gas stove. 4-6 cigarettes could get as high as 10 ppm.

    that one marker alone just talks about how bad cigarettes are versus MMJ. and based on enough studies, you can feel secure about the thought that it’s actually less harmful than ETOH.

    just sayin’. carry on. :D

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